How my 4-year-old practices non-violence

A pacifist gets feisty when someone hits her child.

Victor is an introvert, like me, low-key and easygoing. He loves the preschool and calls his classmates girlfriends and boyfriends, except for a few children who hits and curses. One child, N, hits/pushes Victor every day. Victor is not singled out, because N hits others as well. But he likes to approach Victor, and sometimes they form a bond. Victor plays with N and gets hit. To get back at the aggressor, he calls N "Crybaby" to make him mad. Then the conflict escalates.

One day N did some stunt. A teacher couldn't catch him. N threw a rock and hit Victor's head. N was then taken to the director. Hearing the news, I felt as if someone bashed me on the head. I complained to the teacher and director. N was put on a "program" to learn proper behaviors. I heard that he has tuned down, but Victor still gets hit/pushed every day. Since he is not hurt, I ignored his complaints, such as, N called "Victor" during the naptime, N bared his belly, N took off his pants and showed his booty (not in the bathroom). N slapped a teacher on the hand and spat on her.

Yesterday Victor said he was pushed down three times and cried three times. His teacher saw one incident at least, but didn't see Victor cry. I talked to the director again. Evidently she has heard such complaints.

Director: Don't listen to other parents' stories. You should come to the classroom and observe the children. There's more to it than you thought.

Yang: I heard the complaints from Victor, not from other parents. [I haven't spent a lot of time in the classroom but I had some observations. Once I saw N slap a teacher. Another time N chased after boy J, who didn't want to play with him. Being the selfish mother that I am, I told Victor to imitate J. But Victor couldn't behave like J to save his own skin.]

D: The teachers should intervene.

Y: A teacher cannot predict when a child is going to hit. After N hits someone, she can only sit him down and tell him not to hit, which is not effective because he doesn’t listen.

D: N’s parents came to observe him. They said he doesn’t behave like this at home. They are doing what we tell them to do. I cannot remove N from the classroom. If you want, I can put Victor in another class.

Y: But Victor was here first. [Victor has been in the class for a year and half, and N came two months ago.]

D: Technically, N came first. He has been with the Center since he was six months old. [Now he’s three.]

Y: Really? I am very surprised. Then there’s little chance that he’ll change.

D: I won’t say that. I won’t give up on any child, until we go through the program, which takes some time to complete, we cannot make him drop out. N is not a bad child. He is a spirited child.

Y: [I didn’t care to label N as any kind of child. I didn’t want Victor to be his punching bag. It's not fair or acceptable to me.] N needs to respect other people’s boundaries. Otherwise, it’s not safe for Victor to be in the same classroom with him. [N also hits other children every day.]

D: Other children also do things to N.

Y: I know Victor calls him “Crybaby” a few times to make him mad.

D: You see, you need to teach Victor to stop doing that.

Y: Comparing to hitting someone, this is less offensive; besides, it’s the only thing Victor can do. He cannot hit N back, so he calls him “Crybaby” to get back at him. It’s the only power Victor has over N. If you take that away, N still hits, but Victor can do nothing to express his anger. He is victimized and powerless. This is a vicious cycle.

D: What do you want me to do?

Y: I came to you and hope you might have a solution.

D: I offer that you come to observe, or you move Victor to another class.

Y: Victor loves his teachers. [Victor told me he needed to pee, he was probably bored. I asked him to wait a second. He climbed into my chair so I had to stand up.]

D: Why don’t you control your child? Sit down. [It was getting personal. Victor and I spoke in Mandarin.]

Y: Maybe you can understand: as a parent, I’m worried about his safety at school. In the other class, there is also an aggressive child. He’s very tall and his name starts with N. He hit Victor but not on a daily basis.

D: I’m not removing N from the class. His mother is a nursing student here.

Y: [I didn’t think this was relevant. I realized I was in the wrong political camp: the wrong race and social/economic class. I didn’t have a chance.] Will N be in the summer program?

D: Why? If he’s here, Victor won’t come?

Y: I want to know my options.

D: I don’t know at this time.

Y: I want to avoid conflict as best as I can. So it’ll be helpful if I know whether N will be in the class.

D: I don’t know.

Y: Thank you for your time.

D: You’re welcome. I’ll be here until eight o’clock.

[We both smiled.]

I came outside and asked Victor, “How about I switch you to the other class?”

He burst into tears. “No, I love Ms. S!”

“But N hits you every day.”

“Let him hit me. I want to be in Ms. S’s class.”

“But I don’t want him to hit you.”

“It’s okay. N is funny sometimes.”

“How?”

He couldn’t tell me. “I want to be in Ms. S’s class.”

There was not much I could say to that.

On our way home, we listened to a Chinese song, Sailor. He hums the lyrics:

在受人欺负的时候总是听见水手说/他说风雨中这点痛算什么/
Whenever I’m bullied I remember what the sailor said/In the storm my pain is nothing

擦干泪不要怕/至少我们还有梦
Dry my tears, don’t be afraid/At least we still have dreams

他说风雨中这点痛算什么/擦干泪不要问为什么　
In the storm my pain is nothing /Dry my tears and don’t ask why

I had low expectations for the preschool. I wanted Victor to learn English, make friends and have fun. He has done that and more, he is learning to practice non-violence. It’s easy to punch a smaller child, but it takes courage, wisdom and self-reliance to practice non-violence. Victor has taken on the task voluntarily because he won’t succumb to a bully either by withdrawing or imitating the aggressor.